TOP 10 FUN THINGS TO SAY & DO WHEN STUCK WITH A NOT-SO-BRIGHT COUNSELLOR

As part of my treatment for clinical depression, I am often made to sit through 1-hour counselling sessions at the hospital to assist in the healing process. Whilst I admit that some of these sessions can be helpful at times.. today unfortunately was no such day. Not all is lost however as I got to allow my mind to wander and do 60 minutes worth of "creative thinking". Below are some results of that thinking process; my top ten fun things to do (which you too can adopt) when stuck with a hopelessly boring and inept counsellor...enjoy!!!

1) When asked whether your session can be tape recorded..respond by saying "Only if you allow me to sing 'My Heart Will Go On' in my Mariah falsetto, intermittenly throughout the session"

2) When asked to make yourself comfortable, stand up and start taking your clothes off. If asked, say,"What??! I am only comfortable if I am naked.."

3) When asked repeatedly to elaborate on a particular point or problem in your discussion, give her your most secretive look and whisper, "Shh.. we can't talk about THAT.. THEY are listening!!" whilst pointing to an empty corner in the room.

4) When she starts reading off her list of prepared questions from what looked like her standard 3 exercise book.. gently move the book to your side of the table, start looking at it and tell her, "Go on.. you got the first three correct. Good job!"

5) Each time she is about to bring the session to an end.. stop her and say "But lady!! I am NOT done yet!! We still havent talked about my neighbour's daughter's boyfriend's goldfish which caused my early childhood trauma by staring at me from the aquarium!!"

6) When asked whether there had been a history of mental illness or depression in your family, put on your most serious face and say in a low Schwarzernegger-like baritone,"I don't know. My immediate family have not been born yet.. I come from the future!"

7) When she starts stumbling on her long lecture about your need to love your self and value your life.. bla bla... lean forward.. give her your most comforting smile, hold her hand and say, "See.. you ARE on the road to recovery! Now don't you worry about anything. I will be with you every step of the way..."

8) When asked whether there is anything else that she can help you with, give a very long and hard sighh.. and say.., "Hmm...now that you mention it, can you get me a Strawberry & Chocolate Sundae, with extra whip cream, cherries, chocolate sprinkles and almonds.. and oh.. don't forget a side of fries with that.. thanks!"

9) Do nothing except smile and stare at her with a look of love and utmost adoration, and say "You are so beautiful.." every 5 minutes.

10) When asked whether the session has been helpful in anyway, go down on your knees, cling tightly to her thighs and start crying and proclaiming profusely.. "Oh.. thank you.. thank you.. thank you!! You HAVE changed & completed me in every way..O' Great One!! I dont know what I would've done without you!!" then proceed to wiping your face and tears with her pants..


Follow these 10 simple steps and you can be guaranteed of the following ;

1) She will freak out and would never want to see you again. As a result, they might give you a better counsellor! :)

2) You would've been well-polished for your next Oscar nomination :)

3) Or they might just decide to commit you to an institution IMMEDIATELY! Giving you that extremely long and needed holiday from work, life and EVERYTHING!

Either way, you can't lose! :)