TOP TEN GOOD VS BAD SECRETARY

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

10 EASY STEPS TO DREAMLAND

I used to suffer from severe depression. Bet you couldn't tell by my crazy eyes that stare at people weirdly sometimes looking at me now can you? Hah! Damn, I'm pelakon drama Melayu RTM a good actress! The uncool thing about this problem is that on top of sudden emotional outbursts, crying spells and feeling like killing your boss yourself all the time, you also suffer from lack of sleep for the most part. In fact I remember being deprived of this fundamental necessity to the human body for close to a year...:(

Thankfully, I am all better now..so please don't start looking at me all funny like I'm the (hot, sexy, gorgeous female version of) Norman Bates reincarnate, expect me to start mumbling incoherently to myself or laugh maniacally for no apparent reason. I was just depressed people.. not crazy! J Anyways whilst the depression has pretty much left me alone for a while now, in the past couple of weeks I've started finding it extremely difficult to sleep again, no matter how much wild, crazy, passionate, vigorous sex I indulge in I tire myself out before hand. Rather than get all worked out about this little problem, I've found some fun things to do to kill time in the wee hours of the morning. And as a result have developed a step by step instruction that is surely to get me (and now you) a trip into dreamland in no time. Enjoy!

1. Get the thickest most thought-provoking book you can find and start reading.
   
   
2. Get frustrated with the comprehension required in the middle of the night and throw book against wall.
   
   
3. Get an American supermarket tabloid instead, and start reading the latest alien abduction stories and 'Brangelina' gossip.
   
   
4. Get insulted with tabloid's outlandish nonsense, wonder how much dumber can Americans get and fling magazine to the furthest corner of room.
   
   
5. Get a calculator, pen, paper and ruler and start measuring the length, speed and velocity of both throws.
   
   
6. Realise that measurements should be counted DURING and not AFTER the throw and that having failed Physics in SPM more than ten years ago, had no blinking clue what you were doing anyways.
   
   
7. Keep all items, sit up in bed and start reflecting in deep contemplation and with great remorse about why you failed Physics in SPM more than ten years ago.
   
   
8. Remember all the fun cool things you did whilst ditching Physics classes (like going to the mall, sleeping at the sick bay, climbing up trees, swapping movie posters with friends from other classes etc) and realise that you'd rather not be a science geek, smart in Physics anyways.
   
   
9. Decide that while you are at it, you'd rather not be a paper pushing corporate slave working for a slutty aging, wacky bimbo with the five-inch make-up quit your job and become a professional salsa dancer, get up and start practicing your killer moves around the room.
   
   
10. Bump your head, knock into the wall, smash into the bedside table and saw that it was already 6.30 am. Start thinking about the best possible excuse to get an MC for the day. Text your colleague about it and go to bed!

-THE END-

TOP TEN QUESTIONS YOU DO NOT ASK YOUR REAL ESTATE AGENT

Yesterday, one of my dearest friends took the plunge and made what is perhaps the most important decision in his life.

He bought a house. A condo to be exact.

Congratulations Feisal! I'm so proud of you. Nanti buat housewarming jemput aku melantak makanan sedap sedap okay?!! Congrats also to diyanazman for purchasing their first and also dream house late last year. Macam biasa..cepat pindah, buat housewarming masak sedap2 jemput aku melantak!! They are not the first though coz I also have friends my age who are able to collect properties like I collect stamps (err not that I actually engage in this ridiculously boring and nerdy hobby... but you get the picture). Congrats to all of you for leading a good life. I pray that you shall continue to be successful and prosperous. Nanti bila lagi kaya leh belanja aku makan lagi..yeargh! Anyways.. since Feisal started working more than a year after I did, it got me thinking that may be its time I start getting serious about my finances too (jangan asyik nak joli katak jaaa) and invest in a property of my own. After seriously contemplating this idea for all of two seconds I decided "naaahhh.. I'd rather buy a new Coach handbag or an i-phone". Regardless, this whole property mania that has snared my friends has got me thinking about meeting real estate agents and the conversations you SHOULDN'T have with them. Below are some excerpts.

1. I like to sunbathe in the buff on the balcony while singing a Jonas Brothers song at the top of my lungs, will that be a problem to the other residents in this building?
   
   
2. Where is the big store for my bullets, machetes, M16s and dynamites?
   
   
3. I'm actually Batman by night time. Does this place have a walk-in closet big enough for my Batsuits? All 300 of them?
   
   
4. Can I pay half of the monthly mortgage with my pubes? I'm a celeb, they are worth alot of money!!
   
   
5. Can I kill my neighbours if I don't like them? No? How about just causing them some grieve bodily harm? Puuhhhlleeesssseeee!!!!
   
   
6. Isn't this place supposed to come with a toilet robot to wipe your ass?
   
   
7. How thin are these walls and how cute are the neighbours next door?
   
   
8. Say...someday I got super depressed and decide to kill myself...can I die from jumping off the balcony on this floor or will I just break a couple of bones?
   
   
9. If I buy this house, can you promise me that you'd come stay over sometimes? I get very very lonely..
   
   
10. Do you think the next door neighbours will mind if I borrow their underwear from their washing line sometimes? I promise I'll only do it when I'm completely out.

10 MUAY THAI COMMANDMENTS

Yesterday, the uber-awesome place where I work was appointed as the official medical sponsor/ treatment provider for a Muay Thai competition called The Road to The Challenger 1 which took place in Sunway Pyramid from 3.00 pm to 10.00 pm. The international exhibition match was held in collaboration with Persatuan Muay Thai Malaysia, as part of the promotion for The Contender Asia Season 2 programme, which will be premiering on AXN in August 2010. As the kuli batak official PR rep and main coordinator of the programme, I had the opportunity to watch a live full Muay Thai match for the first time in my life! I must say, it was a super cool and highly entertaining experience, especially since our medical professionals were kept busy with the continuous injuries of the boxers in almost every round. My responsibilities in the event accorded me with some great privileges such as sitting by the side of the ring which gave me an excellent view of the whole match from every angle. Despite it being my first time, my great vantage point caused my complete immersion in the sport. As a result, I am now privy to the Ten Commandments that have been and should be adopted by contenders and viewers alike. Call it your lucky day because I am sharing these with you!

1. Thou shall not wear pink frilly shorts to compete... and expect to win.
   
   
2. Thou shall not cheer for the little kid in the opponent team... just because he had a super hot coach/ elder brother.
   
   
3. Thou shall also not ogle at the same hot coach/ brother.
   
   
4. Thou shall not incorporate Gelek Gerudi Inul into the Hormat Gelanggang Opening Dance ritual.
   
   
5. Thou shall not fall off the side of the ring....on to the medical doctors on standby.
   
   
6. Thou shall endure the extremely lame jokes (kalau peserta tak ikut disiplin, itu bukan Muay Thai, itu main bantai!!WTF??) and bad English of the emcees even if thou feel like throwing things at them with utmost calm and composure.
   
   
7. Thou shall guard thee's sights and not stare at the crotch area of the extremely sexy and scantily clad contenders.
   
   
8. Thou shall not taunt thee's opponent only to get knocked out within 10 seconds of the first round.
   
   
9. Thou shall succeed in the ultimate test of patience and endurance and resist the urge to show thee's middle finger to the bunch of uncivilised men from that God forsaken Eastern state who were yelling and talking non-stop in that God forsaken accent.
   
   
10. Thou shall bask in the glory and memusing gelanggang dengan gaya yang penuh berlagak nak mampos nationalistic pride by doing 10 push-ups in rapid succession after knocking out the Burmese opponent who happened to be 12 years younger in the final round.
 

 

TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE DO AT WORK THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!

In about two weeks, I will be celebrating my one year anniversary of working at my current workplace (a certain tropical-themed medical centre located in Kota Damansara next to Segi College at PJU 5, opposite Cova Square that shall not be named!). Woot! Woot! It's probably the longest place I've stayed at since leaving my first job in 2007. So yeah.. one may conclude that the reason for such a lengthy stay can be attributed to the massive amounts of bonus career advancement opportunities and job satisfaction that I am receiving here (no.. it has nothing to do with the fact that I only spend seven minutes travelling from home to work every morning and can come to work at anytime I want and blame it on external morning meetings.). Regardless of where I work and which industry I am in, in my four years as a paper-pushing corporate slave sophisticated career woman, I've noticed that underneath that calm, rational, professional and driven persona that every corporate big wig exudes, there lies a deep rooted emptiness and psychological imbalance that have driven them to embark on certain endeavours that can be utterly and completely incomprehensible to the ordinary minds…

 

1. Adorn the event registration table with a porcelain duck, potted plants and soft lights for a cozy effect during a Fund Managers Briefing in the hope of enticing bigger investments from current and potential investors.
   
   
2. Speaks English with a fake "mat saleh" accent that's either faux American, faux British, faux Australian or faux Scottish-Polish-Austrian or (at times) a combination of all of the above.
   
   
3. Send the biggest bumbling idiot with no oral or articulation skills whatsoever to spearhead a very important sales pitch/ business presentation.
   
   
4. Spends the company's entire resources to attend to a visiting/ admitted royalty whose entire existence and being (including the expenses incurred at your organisation) is funded by tax payers money when your company is in fact one of the nation's biggest tax payers.
   
   
5. Bans access to all fun and informative social networking sites and adds layers upon layers of bureaucracy for any kind of technological upgrade within the organisation but in the next breath starts spouting the mantra 'the internet is part of the dawn of the new age in marketing revolution' and we should strive to utilise every possible internet site and networking tool possible.
   
   
6. Rear fishes in a mini aquarium at your cubicle and start naming them after your colleagues! (No..its not appropriate to name your gold fish Rina just because it has a pair of huge protruding eyes!!.)
   
   
7. 
   
   
   Maintain a jungle of potted plants in your office and talk to them every morning (..so that they can grow up strong and healthy).
   
   
   
8. 
   
   
   Lead a CORPORATE tour of Vietnamese delegates to your organisation, whilst dressed up in traditional Vietnamese hooker-like garb outfit. (What are you? Tourism Malaysia?)
   
   
   
9. 
   
   
   Pretend to always be busy texting and emailing on a Blackberry with a perpetual deep frown, in the hope of making you seemed more important than you actually are.
   
   
   
10. Blog about the crazy things people do at work, at work, when you have a very important report due in 30 minutes. :P

TOP TEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SIBU

1. It is actually on the map and the pilot knows how to find it.
   
   
2. Having done so, there is an airport on which the same pilot could land the plane.
   
   
3. People eat roasted deep pink swine snouts for dinner.
   
   
4. You can get original Levi's jeans (that actually fits) for less than RM100.
   
   
5. No..you cant buy movie tickets one day in advance.
   
   
6. Cab fare for the exact same distance varies on how attractive you are to the cab driver. The increase in price is adverse to the level of attraction.
   
   
7. The Nokia 3310 is still a very hip phone.
   
   
8. Caution : When speaking to cabbies in Malay or English, please do not expect them to reply in kind.
   
   
9. Most people will speak to you in Hockchew.. a Chinese dialect that make them sound like they are gonna rip your head off in anger even your KL Chinese colleagues will not understand.
   
   
10. They have a golf course that can make Tiger Woods proud!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE ABOUT TO ORGANISE A DISASTROUS EVENT

 Those who work with me or know me well would probably know that I am so not looking forward to tomorrow. I will be going off to Sarawak for an event that I was tasked by the management to organise. Having had this pointless and difficult project dumped on my lap at the very last minute because my colleagues are too dumb to organise their mother's funeral if their lives depended on it, I was naturally apprehensive and had a lot of reservations on how it is going to pan out. Nevertheless, having buat keja cincai asal boleh sebab aku malas nak buat event bodoh nih done my best, I can only cross my fingers and pray that it will turn out halfway decent. Regardless, taking on this project has given me an insight into the tell-tale signs that your event could end up as the biggest disaster since Janet Jackson's nip slip at the Superbowl. Below are some of my useful observations!

1. You only have four names on your guest list.
   
2. When called, one of the persons on your guest list answered as herself but when told of the purpose of the call, faked a foreign accent, claimed to be a Spanish tourist and told you that you had the wrong number.
   
3. There are no clowns in the town for hire. In fact none of the residents have ever seen one alive!
   
4. The grand highlight of the event is a lucky draw for your company's free t-shirt.
   
5. You are expected to bring your own table cloth and arrange your own chairs coz the hall rental guy could not be disturbed during his weekly poker night games.
   
6. Members of the organising committee are encouraged to bring as many family members as they can..travel allowance is provided to pick up and bring families from different town/cities/ state/ country.
   
7. The cake guy doesn't know the difference between a sponge cake and a sponge bath.
   
8. Your guest of honour doesn't know he was supposed to give a speech... in fact he wasn't even aware that he was invited.
   
9. Your entertainer of the evening is some random overweight dude named Larry who will be serenading your guests by belching out the tune of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance.
   
10. Your event is in a god forsaken town nobody has even heard of called Sibu!

TOP TEN JOB INTERVIEW Q & A DON’TS

1)      Interviewer        :             Good afternoon. Okay Ms Hazrina why don’t you start by telling us a little 

                                                       bit about yourself… 

You                         :             Hi my name is Hazrina Zainul. But you can call me Baby or Darling.. just like 

what my friends call me..oh you can also call me Bootylicious. That’s what   

my boyfriend calls me coz hey.. take a load of this junk in my trunk   

(*stands up and turns around to demonstrate*)

 2)    Interviewer         :            Why should we hire you?

You                         :             I’m smart, driven, compassionate, possess strong work ethics, able to meet 

                                               crazy deadlines and oh.. if you don’t hire me, I may just be forced to kill 

                                               you. 

 3)      Interviewer       :               So.. why did you leave your last job?

 You                        :               (*Looks around conspicuously, turns and softly whispers*) Don’t tell 

anyone but my former boss is an alien from Planet Zirgon who’s been sent 

down to Earth to spy on us before his entire race come and invade our 

planet. I caught on to his dirty little secret and I swear to God I’ll expose 

him to the world before that time comes!

 

4)      Interviewer        :              What was the biggest challenge that you have ever faced in your career?

You                         :              I once had to convince the President of my former company that I was just 

looking for my fallen contacts when he barged into the VP’s room whilst I  

was kneeling on the floor... under the table...with my VP’s belt buckle in 

my mouth..

5)      Interviewer        :              What are the special skills you posses that will make you excel at this job?

You                         :              Umm.. its not listed in my resume but.. if you lock the door and draw the 

                                                blinds.. I can show you.

 

6)      Interviewer        :             Tell us what are your long term career aspirations?

You                         :             Career... asp..assp.. what? I’m just here to meet the hot men in your 

                                               brochures!!

 7)      Interviewer        :             What are your expectations from this position?

 You                         :             I expect to be able to save enough money to purchase an electric guitar, 

start a band, join battle of the bands, win the battle, get a record deal, 

release an album and go on a worldwide tour.

 8)      Interviewer        :             Tell us about your academic and professional qualifications?

 You                         :             Hah! I think education is just overrated! But does being a “professional 

                                                female mud-wrestler” count?

 9)      Interviewer        :              Have you ever held a leadership role in any organisation?

 You                         :              Yes. I currently spearhead a notorious criminal empire on Mafia Wars. 

 

10)   Interviewer        :               Do you have any questions?

 You                        :               Yes. Are you going to eat that? (points to half eaten sandwich on 

                                                 interviewer’s table) 

10 CARA TERBAIK UNTUK MENGENALI ARTIS MELAYU DI KALANGAN KITA

Sempena tema dan topic posting pada hari ini, saya rasa amatlah afdal sekiranya saya menulis post berikut dalam bahasa ibunda tercinta saya, Bahasa Melayu.

Sekiranya sebelum ini anda tidak berpeluang melanggani Majalah URTV dan Mangga ataupun tidak pernah berkesempatan untuk menonton filem filem hebat, karya agung Yusof Haslam, A Razak Moideen, Julie Dahlan mahupun David Teo sudah pastinya anda, seperti saya, tidak berapa arif dengan dunia selebriti/ artis tanahair. Walau bagaimanapun, semenjak beberapa bulan kebelakangan ini, saya sangat bertuah kerana berpeluang menyelami dunia selebriti ini disebabkan kekerapan kumpulan produksi menjalankan penggambaran di tempat saya bekerja. Oleh yang demikian, saya amatlah berbesar hati untuk berkongsi tip tip berikut yang semestinya sangat berguna untuk anda.

1. Sekiranya terdapat sekumpulan crew dan pekerja sewaktu penggambaran dan kesemuanya berpakaian selekeh nak mampos biasa sahaja, anda boleh mengenalpasti artis Melayu di kalangan mereka dengan melihat ketebalan mekap di muka masing masing. Semakin tebal mekap yang dipakai, semakin besarlah nama selebriti tersebut dalam industri ini dan semakin besarlah peranan/ watak yang dibawa di dalam drama/ filem tersebut.
   
   
2. Meskipun pada kebiasaanya artis lelaki tidak memakai mekap, (lainlah kalau artis tersebut M Daud Kilau ataupun Jaafar Onn) untuk mengecam mereka tidak kurang juga senangnya...jika anda perempuan muda yang cun macam saya. Sewaktu berurusan dengan mana mana ahli produksi, anda mungkin boleh perasan apabila terdapat salah satu lelaki yang paling ramah dengan senyuman control hensem menawan dan gaya pertuturan perasan bagus bersopan santun dan sangat helpful. Pada kebiasannya lelaki ini adalah selebriti terkenal yang ingin menggatal dengan anda sebab dia rasa dia bagus menjaga imej beliau sebagai artis berperwatakan terpuji.
   
   
3. Jangan tertipu... berbeza dari Hollywood, artis Melayu tidak semestinya berkereta mewah, mereka mungkin juga membawa kereta Satria Neo 1.6 kaler oren biasa seperti anda.
   
   
4. Kebanyak=kan artis Melayu sangat mementingkan penampilan, meskipun hanya untuk keluar sebentar ke pasar. Semakin besar kaca mata hitam dan semakin panjang anting anting yang dikenakan, semakin glamer lah artis Melayu tersebut. Selalunya aksesori aksesori ini turut akan dipadankan dengan tas tangan LV yang beli kat Petaling Street berjenama eksklusif dari butik butik terkenal.
   
   
5. Anda mungkin juga pernah berdiri di tepi selebriti di kedai kedai makan, dalam LRT, dalam bas (errk artis naik bas ker?!) kaunter pembayaran di pos ofis dan sebagainya. Artis Melayu selalunya akan bercakap di handphone masing masing (selalunya handphone canggih dengan aksesori beriya) dengan suara yang sangat kuat mengenai jadual waktu yang terlalu sibuk, shooting dan shopping di luar negara, membeli barangan berjenama dan keglameran diri masing masing.
   
   
6. Artis Melayu adalah satu satunya orang yang akan disuruh oleh peminat untuk mengautografkan bunga telor/ pinggan/ mangkuk / baju kebaya / songkok di majlis perkahwinan anda mahupun kawan anda!
   
   
7. Di universiti atau mana mana institusi pengajian tinggi, artis Melayu adalah antara golongan pelajar pelajar yang paling kerap ponteng kelas
   
   
8. Artis Melayu akan hadir di mana mana majlis keramaian dan sekiranya tercabar atau tidak mendapat apa yang diminta akan bertanya "Do you know who I am?" Paling best jika anda mejawab "Tidak" dengan nada suara yang paling selamba.
   
   
9. Sekiranya anda menghadiri hari keluarga syarikat anda di tepi pantai yang indah dengan matahari yang terpancar terang, mungkin akan terdapat seseorang yang akan memakai seluar panjang, baju lengan panjang, topi yang besar dan kaca mata hitam yang mampu mengalahkan Paris Hilton/ Kesatria Baja Hitam. Jangan takut atau terkejut. Ia bukanlah hantu, tetapi hanyalah artis Melayu yang mengada tak nak kena panas takut hitam mungkin alah pada cahaya matahari.
   
   
10. Artis Melayu selalunya tidak menjual jagung (atau apa apa jua barangan) di pasar malam. Kalau ada sebarang penjual seperti ini yang mengaku bahawa dia merupakan seorang artis, maka besar kemungkinan dia mental layak masuk Tanjung Rambutan jer teringin untuk menjadi seorang selebriti.

TOP 10 BEST WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT!

If you have been living in any part of Malaysia for the past couple of weeks, I am sure you would've noticed the crazy heat wave that has hit the entire nation. Unless of course you live in a fridge or work in a certain unnamed medical centre in Kota Damansara where the fat HR lady keeps the air cond remote under her pits (mighty big pits too I must say) and turn the air cond to -15 degrees at all times!

I know a lot of people have been tweeting (or is it twittering?) and updating social networking page statuses on showering 15 times a day and possibly moving permanently into the bathroom with their heads perpetually in the toilet bowl under the taps as a final resort. As someone who is more fond of the heat than being an all-wrapped up jakun Malaysian during a light autumn day in Europe the friggin cold weather, I somehow still share your pain during these sweaty times and would like to give you some fun tips on things you can do to BEAT THE HEAT (hey that rhymes?!). Enjoy!

1) Take 2 or 3 pairs of your favouritest underwear, dip them in ice for 8 hours and then wear them.. only them and nothing else.(Old cotonny holey granny panties are the best as they absorb more water and subsequently the cold temperature. Plus, they are also extremely comfy to boot!)

2) Eat and drink Ice Flavoured EVERYTHING!! Ice tea, Ice cream, ice flavoured goreng pisang, ice flavoured nasi lemak sambal sotong, ice flavoured roti canai.. well.. you get the picture!

3) Lock all doors, bolt all windows and cover every possible hole, nook and cranny in your house and start filling the entire place up with water from the bathroom! Once done you will have your very own home-made water park! Yay! You can turn some furniture around and pretend they are water slides etc, float some cushions in the tub for added effect and even make your son/kid brother flap around on the floor and pretend that he's the rabid man-eating shark from 'Jaws'.

4) Watch Pulp Fiction in the dark. Turning off the lights will considerably reduce the temperature in your room and hey.. its a "cool" movie! :)

5) Run as fast as you can and smash your head into the wall.. ok.. this may not do anything to alleviate the annoyance and discomfort of the heat, BUT the excruciating pain and possible concussion suffered from this particular endeavour will take your mind off the heat for a while.. or in the best possible scenario, you may even develop amnesia!*Heat? What heat? Who am I? What is this place?* :P

6) Avoid sex! At all times.. this particularly physically strenuous bedroom activity will only make you all icky, sweaty and uncomfortable and serves no benefit/ purpose whatsoever!

7) Put on your prettiest, sexiest kain batik CIk Kiah/ sarong bikini/ swimming trunk, lather yourself up with minyak angin cap kapak sun block, take out your mat, sunglasses, hat and towel and head for ...your neighbour's backyard, lay everything down, lie down and pretend that you are chilling and soaking up the sun and breeze in Krabi* (or insert favourite island here). For some weird and inexplicable reason, the heat seems so much more errmm... cooler when you are on a beach holiday.

8) Hang a noose around the ceiling fan, tie the other end to your body and turn it on full blast. Not only is this cooling, but it is also alot funner and certainly more adventurous than bungee jumping.

9) If you live on one of the higher floors of a high rise building, try parachuting off your balcony. Chances are, you will feel cool from the sudden gush of air that will hit you as you go crashing into the sun roof of the Laundromat downstairs floating down.

10) Forget Malaysia and just move to Siberia! Heat wave schmeat wave! Hah! :)

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN APPLYING FOR A JOB

Since joining my new company about six months ago, part of my responsibilities include managing the general emails that we receive via the website. (no.. im not an IT person.. do I look that nerdy tech savvy to you?) Anyways, whilst the whole purpose of doing this is to manage and answer all inquiries posted about our services, lately we have also had to entertain a lot of job applications via the same web mail (no.. I'm not in Human Resources either.. do I look so overweight and uptight people-centric to you? :P). Since I have to suffer the headache of sifting through tons of these kind of applications that was flooding my inbox, I figured, I might as well share with you some common rules on what NOT to do when applying for a job via email. This is so that you can spare me the emotional trauma by not doing any of the things below! Enjoy! :)

1. Send an email with the attachment "resumeaku.doc" as the file name
   

   Whilst we understand your need to emphasise the fact that it is in fact YOUR resume and not your grandma's, neighbour's daughter's or that hawt stranger you often bump into whilst waiting for the bus's, anybody else's, this is actually just TRYING TO HARD. In fact it could backfire and cause us to think that you may actually have something to hide.
   
   

2. Send an email with the attachment "PERFECT RESUME.doc" as the file name
   

   Don't kid yourself kid! If your resume is really that perfect, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
   
   

3. Use the email drgangstazz@yahoo.com when applying for the position of Medical Officer
   

   Indeed, we deeply understand that we all now live in a crazy cut-throat world and you may feel the need to put up this tough exterior to survive. Nevertheless, our patients may not necessarily sit well with the idea that their physician is a Doctor AND the Godfather Incarnate at the same time.
   
   

4. Use the email hunnybaby88@gmail.com or sweetiegurl_87@hotmail.com or sexybunzz@aol.com for ANY POSITION!!
   

   Do I even have to go into details on this one? :P
   
   

5. Send a cover email as follows, "A'kum, attach kat sini saya punye CV"
   
   Okay, so your mami jarum aunty sister works in the People Capital Division. So you feel that this may get her attention. So you think that being all informal and acting like you are our long lost friend who used to trip us with the see saw at the playground from primary school will get you the job. Whatever! Doesn't work kid! In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if your sister from PCD comes back home and screams at you for this! :P
   
   
   
6. Use a deep red background complete with pink flowers, tiny hearts and butterflies for your CV
   
   Yes, we appreciate the effort. Yes, we think you are extremely creative and can have a successful career as a Singaporean Beauty Pageant Queen an artiste. But as far as healthcare is concerned, you're waaaayyy ahead of your time kid!
   
   
   
7. Send an email with the following subject line " APPLICATION FOR ANY KIND OF VACANCY AT YOUR PLACE/ COMPANY "
   

   We acknowledge the fact that we now live in an extremely trying economic times where some of you will take any job at all!! But hey, we are not exactly a job recruitment agency. If you have no freaking idea of what it is that you wanna do with your life, chances are...we wouldn't too! :P
   
   

8. Send a generic and mass job application email to enquiries@pantai.com.my, marketing@tropicanamedicalcentre.com, inquiries@sdmc.com, inquiries@gimc.com.my etc...etc.. (well.. u get the picture) simultaneously
   

   Whilst we realise that you may be applying to as many jobs as possible upon graduation, we would STILL like to think that we are special and that you are dying to work for us, ONLY us and no one else! If you really do want a job, it would be in your best interest to humour our qualms and stroke our manbits ego just a little!
   
   

9. Send the same job application email eight times within three days!!!
   

   Yes, we can comprehend the urgency and direness of you landing a job ASAP in order to get five pairs of that Paris Hilton sun shades start paying off your PTPTPN loan. But no, theres nothing wrong with our IT system. Our computers and emails are working just fine. But oh..congratulations on successfully annoying and insulting us to a point where we are not going to call you at all!
   
   

10. Pose in a bright pink bathing suit in the swimming pool and use that as your CV picture
    

    You may have been inspired by Elle Woods of the Legally Blonde franchise. But unfortunately for you, the people going through your application at our organisation are not deprived old men but rather overweight and overzealous middle aged single females who may take extreme offense at your flaunting your young, vibrant and excellent figure in their wrinkly pudgy faces :P

TOP TEN COOL THINGS TO HAVE HAPPENED IN 2008

1) Getting Brad.. the love of my life!! (sorry darling..Brad is still number one)

2) Meeting Kim and the coolest bunch of friends I can ever hope for..I love you guys!!

3) Finding love again despite believing that it will never happen again for me.. thank you sayang

4) Being told that Im actually cute enough to model..TWICE! what are they..blind and retarded?

5) Earning more than twice what I did at the start of 2007, at the start of 2008

6) Discovering Salsa and Bellydancing

7) Starting this blog

8) Learning the true value of forgiveness and letting go of bitterness with my dad

9) Closing a certain chapter in my life...completely and for good! (im really really proud of myself on this one.. best decision ive made this year)

10) Rediscovering personal freedom and independence

TOP TEN THINGS ID LIKE TO ACHIEVE IN 2009 IN ORDER TO GIVE MY LIFE MORE MEANING BUT WHICH WILL NOT NECESSARILY DO SO WHEN I ACTUALLY DO (HUH?)

1) Date a rockstar

2) Become superb at berbalas pantun klasik melayu

3) Grow 3 inch taller and 2 inch slimmer..

4) Learn the art of telling the difference between sawi and salad at the market

5) Overcome my fear of dogs

6) Find newer and more creative ways of deflecting the question, "when are you getting married?"

7) Go on a soul searching journey to Timbuktu

8) Find out where Timbuktu is on the map first

9) Give Brad a facelift

10) Become hotter (oh wait..is that even possible)

TOP 10 QUESTIONS YOU WISH YOU DONT HAVE THE ANSWERS TO

1. Is my boyfriend a closeted Jonas Brothers fan gay?
   
2. Am I really nuts that stressed out?
   
3. Have the drugs kicked in yet?
   
4. Is this stuff legal?
   
5. Will we get caught?
   
6. Do I look fat in this?
   
7. Am I the only one who thinks that Afdlin Shauki is ultra sexy?
   
8. Did I just employ a monkey even though I didn't pay him peanuts?
   
9. Do I really wanna get married?
   
10. Is the kid really mine?
    
    
    

TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO DO ON A FIRST DATE

As recent as 3 weeks ago, I had an amazing first date! Really! The best one I've ever had in my entire life. The magical one where your outfit worked (thanks to Anfaal, Lina n Feroz), your date was hot and everything just went smoothly and you left with this wonderful magical feeling that you only watched in movies or read about in a Cheesy B-Grade Discount Bin Romance Novels fairy tale . I was so fortunate to experience this and even more fortunate to have this budding romance blossomed into something more. That's right folks..the President of the Singles Gedik Flirts Club hereby officially resigns... :) anyways.. below are some tips on what NOT to do on a first date so that you too may enjoy that one special magical night that could possibly lead to something more..

1) Talk about your fascination with intoxicating substances and how you spent the night before indulging in some

2) Come clean and admit that hazel is not your natural eye colour

3) Trip over a cute two year old and fall flat on your face on the way to the bathroom

4) Scream at the top of your lungs like you are going to die when your date almost ran into the back of a car with the bike you both were on

5) Point to that same two-year old Eurasian toddler at the next table and say how if your genes merged your kid will look exactly like that

6) Give in to option C-breakfast in bed, when given a choice of where to have breakfast for your second date

7) Spend a fortune doing your hair for the date despite knowing that you'd be chauferred around on a superbike whilst wearing a tight helmet

8) Suggest a club full of rempits, feng taus and wannabe school kids and let him think that its the coolest happiest place on earth after Disneyland

9) Laugh and snort so hard till the orange juice comes out of your nose

10) Spend more time talking to the suspiciously-gay amoi waitress than talking to your date

TOP 11 BEST EXCUSES TO AVOID GIVING DUIT RAYA

11 days on and we are still very much in the festive spirit. So I guess its not too late for me to wish everyone a Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Kain Batik Zahir Batin. :P

Now, if your father is not Daim Zainuddin Bill Gates or if your name does not begin with Khairy and ends with Jamaluddin , I am most certain that you would've started to feel a grave economic pinch on your pockets from the shopping raya tak sedar diri expenses incurred in preparation of raya. Having said that, giving duit raya is perhaps the most unnecessary of such expenses as you are required to part with your money for a bunch of pesky random children. As such, I have compiled a list of legitimate excuses reasons that you can use on little children (and their parents) to avoid giving them duit raya..Especially now that we are broke and raya is still another 19 days to go.

1. I just came back from overseas and only carry Indon and Bangladeshi currencies... which I am sure would be of no use to you
   
   
2. A mercun roket flew into my window and burnt all of the packets containing your duit raya
   
   
3. I don't carry cash.. only credit cards
   
   
4. The dog ate your homework duit raya
   
   
5. The bag containing duit raya fell into the kuali dodol while I was showing off my skills to anak Makcik Kiah next door diligently helping out with the dodol making process
   
   
6. I bet all that money on whether Siti Nurhaliza is coming to our house for raya and lost
   
   
7. I will give you duit raya ONLY if you can run around the field while singing Dendang Perantau backwards at the top of your lungs
   
   
8. My ringgit bills are marked and the Italian Mafias are tracing it. I don't want you to get hurt
   
   
9. I'm not old enough to give duit raya..in fact you should be giving me some
   
   
10. I suffer a violent ancient curse that will make me hyperventilate and scream obscenities in Russian each time I give money to little children
    
    
11. You don't have a cute elder sister or brother that I can impress

TOP 10 THINGS THAT MAKES ME HAPPY

1) Having my private moments with God where I'm assured of His undivided attention for 5 to 10 mins, 5 times a day

2) Gossiping on the phone with Kim for hours like we are still teenagers

3) Forgiveness from my dad and realising that he is a pretty cool chap after all

4) My mom's smile

5) A hug from Izzurin.. a kiss from Haikal.. a chill out moment with Izzul

6) Long Facebook essays from one of the wittiest guys I have ever met

7) My car..

8) This blog

9) Finally getting the killer moves in belly dancing

10) The pristine smell and feel of a brand new book that I have been dying to read

*Note : the above is listed in no particular order.. it is called incoherent ramblings after all..:P

CLUBBING 101

Rina's guide to a nocturnal life of fun and adventure!!

Over the last 6 months or so..I have become an avid clubber of sorts.. swaggering in and out of clubs (posh or otherwise) faster than you can say "Hilang mana pompuan gedik nih.." "What's your plan Saturday night?" Given my vast experience on the subject matter, I feel compelled to share with you my favourite sacred list of "observations" that will guarantee you a night of fun and adventure!! Enjoy!

1. Hotness – refers to your sensuality and desirability ratings to members of the opposite (and in some instances/clubs similar) sex..NOT your average body temperature and sweating capacity
   
   
2. ID – being asked for one when you are obviously above 21 is an insult..being asked for one when you are obviously above 21 (but not so obviously) and above 25 is a compliment!!
   

   
   

3. Rubbing your crotch against a chic's back on the dance floor is neither sexy nor seductive and WILL NOT get you laid :P
   
   
4. If a huge tray of shots seemed to have mysteriously appeared on your table.. chances are your mate BOUGHT them
   
   
5. No matter how hard u try to work it, a bright red boob tube on a huge pot belly coupled with a purple floral pleated skirt with ruffles and a laced- up black and white wedges IS NOT FASHIONABLE!!
   
   
6. NO.. you do not have to wear Kesatria Baja Hitam Paris Hilton-styled shades in a club..the place was darkened and filled with bright blinking lights for a reason.. :P
   
   
7. Unbuttoning a guy's shirt after meeting him for two seconds just because he is German..is NOT cool!! And never will be..
   
   
8. If you suddenly discovered that the turntablist of the night is your friend..it is polite to stick around and pretend to enjoy at least a couple of sets..no matter how crappy unsuitable the music is for you
   
   
9. Having the lead singer of a band single you out for a dance -VERY FLATTERING
   

   Having the same lead singer later approach your table, buys you a drink and tells you that you bear an uncanny resemblance to his dead ex girlfriend in a thick Indonesian buruh kontrak accent -NOT FLATTERING AT ALL!!

10. Galliano Shots – avoid at ALL cost! Failure to take heed may result in temporary amnesia, severe loss of coordination, total shut down of bodily functions, lack of emotional control, lavatory-induced slumber spells and waking up in the deserted home of a mid-thirties widower..
    

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE DESPERATELY HANGING ON TO THE BOYBAND ERA

1) You still sign your name "Joyah Lee Carter" or "Minah Timberlake" on loan and job application forms

2) You don't speak to your younger teenage sister for days coz she "chop" the Jonas brother that you like first

3) You only sing Backstreet Boys and NSync songs at your company's karaoke gatherings

4) You have the birthdates of your favourite boybanders saved on your company's Blackberry to remind you to send teddybears and flowers to their official fan club address

5) In clubs you enjoy showing off your killer moves derived from the "Backstreet's Back" video :P

6) You get into an emotional argument with people who said that Backstreet Boys, Boyzone and New Kids on the Block should drop the "Boy" and "Kid" monikers from their names as they are now OLD men.

7) You shamelessly ask for the new NKOTB album for your 29th Birthday!!

8) You are the only one who doesn't think that Nick Carter is a pathethic mess of a has been

9) You start a nationwide petition asking Take That to beg Robbie William to be a part of their reunion concert and album

10) You start skipping lunch to save money for front row tickets and to look slim and superb when you found out that 911 is holding a comeback concert in Singapore

TOP 10 FUN THINGS TO SAY & DO WHEN STUCK WITH A NOT-SO-BRIGHT COUNSELLOR

As part of my treatment for clinical depression, I am often made to sit through 1-hour counselling sessions at the hospital to assist in the healing process. Whilst I admit that some of these sessions can be helpful at times.. today unfortunately was no such day. Not all is lost however as I got to allow my mind to wander and do 60 minutes worth of "creative thinking". Below are some results of that thinking process; my top ten fun things to do (which you too can adopt) when stuck with a hopelessly boring and inept counsellor...enjoy!!!

1) When asked whether your session can be tape recorded..respond by saying "Only if you allow me to sing 'My Heart Will Go On' in my Mariah falsetto, intermittenly throughout the session"

2) When asked to make yourself comfortable, stand up and start taking your clothes off. If asked, say,"What??! I am only comfortable if I am naked.."

3) When asked repeatedly to elaborate on a particular point or problem in your discussion, give her your most secretive look and whisper, "Shh.. we can't talk about THAT.. THEY are listening!!" whilst pointing to an empty corner in the room.

4) When she starts reading off her list of prepared questions from what looked like her standard 3 exercise book.. gently move the book to your side of the table, start looking at it and tell her, "Go on.. you got the first three correct. Good job!"

5) Each time she is about to bring the session to an end.. stop her and say "But lady!! I am NOT done yet!! We still havent talked about my neighbour's daughter's boyfriend's goldfish which caused my early childhood trauma by staring at me from the aquarium!!"

6) When asked whether there had been a history of mental illness or depression in your family, put on your most serious face and say in a low Schwarzernegger-like baritone,"I don't know. My immediate family have not been born yet.. I come from the future!"

7) When she starts stumbling on her long lecture about your need to love your self and value your life.. bla bla... lean forward.. give her your most comforting smile, hold her hand and say, "See.. you ARE on the road to recovery! Now don't you worry about anything. I will be with you every step of the way..."

8) When asked whether there is anything else that she can help you with, give a very long and hard sighh.. and say.., "Hmm...now that you mention it, can you get me a Strawberry & Chocolate Sundae, with extra whip cream, cherries, chocolate sprinkles and almonds.. and oh.. don't forget a side of fries with that.. thanks!"

9) Do nothing except smile and stare at her with a look of love and utmost adoration, and say "You are so beautiful.." every 5 minutes.

10) When asked whether the session has been helpful in anyway, go down on your knees, cling tightly to her thighs and start crying and proclaiming profusely.. "Oh.. thank you.. thank you.. thank you!! You HAVE changed & completed me in every way..O' Great One!! I dont know what I would've done without you!!" then proceed to wiping your face and tears with her pants..


Follow these 10 simple steps and you can be guaranteed of the following ;

1) She will freak out and would never want to see you again. As a result, they might give you a better counsellor! :)

2) You would've been well-polished for your next Oscar nomination :)

3) Or they might just decide to commit you to an institution IMMEDIATELY! Giving you that extremely long and needed holiday from work, life and EVERYTHING!

Either way, you can't lose! :)