TOP TEN GOOD VS BAD SECRETARY

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TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE DO AT WORK THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!

In about two weeks, I will be celebrating my one year anniversary of working at my current workplace (a certain tropical-themed medical centre located in Kota Damansara next to Segi College at PJU 5, opposite Cova Square that shall not be named!). Woot! Woot! It's probably the longest place I've stayed at since leaving my first job in 2007. So yeah.. one may conclude that the reason for such a lengthy stay can be attributed to the massive amounts of bonus career advancement opportunities and job satisfaction that I am receiving here (no.. it has nothing to do with the fact that I only spend seven minutes travelling from home to work every morning and can come to work at anytime I want and blame it on external morning meetings.). Regardless of where I work and which industry I am in, in my four years as a paper-pushing corporate slave sophisticated career woman, I've noticed that underneath that calm, rational, professional and driven persona that every corporate big wig exudes, there lies a deep rooted emptiness and psychological imbalance that have driven them to embark on certain endeavours that can be utterly and completely incomprehensible to the ordinary minds…

 

1. Adorn the event registration table with a porcelain duck, potted plants and soft lights for a cozy effect during a Fund Managers Briefing in the hope of enticing bigger investments from current and potential investors.
   
   
2. Speaks English with a fake "mat saleh" accent that's either faux American, faux British, faux Australian or faux Scottish-Polish-Austrian or (at times) a combination of all of the above.
   
   
3. Send the biggest bumbling idiot with no oral or articulation skills whatsoever to spearhead a very important sales pitch/ business presentation.
   
   
4. Spends the company's entire resources to attend to a visiting/ admitted royalty whose entire existence and being (including the expenses incurred at your organisation) is funded by tax payers money when your company is in fact one of the nation's biggest tax payers.
   
   
5. Bans access to all fun and informative social networking sites and adds layers upon layers of bureaucracy for any kind of technological upgrade within the organisation but in the next breath starts spouting the mantra 'the internet is part of the dawn of the new age in marketing revolution' and we should strive to utilise every possible internet site and networking tool possible.
   
   
6. Rear fishes in a mini aquarium at your cubicle and start naming them after your colleagues! (No..its not appropriate to name your gold fish Rina just because it has a pair of huge protruding eyes!!.)
   
   
7. 
   
   
   Maintain a jungle of potted plants in your office and talk to them every morning (..so that they can grow up strong and healthy).
   
   
   
8. 
   
   
   Lead a CORPORATE tour of Vietnamese delegates to your organisation, whilst dressed up in traditional Vietnamese hooker-like garb outfit. (What are you? Tourism Malaysia?)
   
   
   
9. 
   
   
   Pretend to always be busy texting and emailing on a Blackberry with a perpetual deep frown, in the hope of making you seemed more important than you actually are.
   
   
   
10. Blog about the crazy things people do at work, at work, when you have a very important report due in 30 minutes. :P

TOP TEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SIBU

1. It is actually on the map and the pilot knows how to find it.
   
   
2. Having done so, there is an airport on which the same pilot could land the plane.
   
   
3. People eat roasted deep pink swine snouts for dinner.
   
   
4. You can get original Levi's jeans (that actually fits) for less than RM100.
   
   
5. No..you cant buy movie tickets one day in advance.
   
   
6. Cab fare for the exact same distance varies on how attractive you are to the cab driver. The increase in price is adverse to the level of attraction.
   
   
7. The Nokia 3310 is still a very hip phone.
   
   
8. Caution : When speaking to cabbies in Malay or English, please do not expect them to reply in kind.
   
   
9. Most people will speak to you in Hockchew.. a Chinese dialect that make them sound like they are gonna rip your head off in anger even your KL Chinese colleagues will not understand.
   
   
10. They have a golf course that can make Tiger Woods proud!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE ABOUT TO ORGANISE A DISASTROUS EVENT

 Those who work with me or know me well would probably know that I am so not looking forward to tomorrow. I will be going off to Sarawak for an event that I was tasked by the management to organise. Having had this pointless and difficult project dumped on my lap at the very last minute because my colleagues are too dumb to organise their mother's funeral if their lives depended on it, I was naturally apprehensive and had a lot of reservations on how it is going to pan out. Nevertheless, having buat keja cincai asal boleh sebab aku malas nak buat event bodoh nih done my best, I can only cross my fingers and pray that it will turn out halfway decent. Regardless, taking on this project has given me an insight into the tell-tale signs that your event could end up as the biggest disaster since Janet Jackson's nip slip at the Superbowl. Below are some of my useful observations!

1. You only have four names on your guest list.
   
2. When called, one of the persons on your guest list answered as herself but when told of the purpose of the call, faked a foreign accent, claimed to be a Spanish tourist and told you that you had the wrong number.
   
3. There are no clowns in the town for hire. In fact none of the residents have ever seen one alive!
   
4. The grand highlight of the event is a lucky draw for your company's free t-shirt.
   
5. You are expected to bring your own table cloth and arrange your own chairs coz the hall rental guy could not be disturbed during his weekly poker night games.
   
6. Members of the organising committee are encouraged to bring as many family members as they can..travel allowance is provided to pick up and bring families from different town/cities/ state/ country.
   
7. The cake guy doesn't know the difference between a sponge cake and a sponge bath.
   
8. Your guest of honour doesn't know he was supposed to give a speech... in fact he wasn't even aware that he was invited.
   
9. Your entertainer of the evening is some random overweight dude named Larry who will be serenading your guests by belching out the tune of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance.
   
10. Your event is in a god forsaken town nobody has even heard of called Sibu!

TOP TEN JOB INTERVIEW Q & A DON’TS

1)      Interviewer        :             Good afternoon. Okay Ms Hazrina why don’t you start by telling us a little 

                                                       bit about yourself… 

You                         :             Hi my name is Hazrina Zainul. But you can call me Baby or Darling.. just like 

what my friends call me..oh you can also call me Bootylicious. That’s what   

my boyfriend calls me coz hey.. take a load of this junk in my trunk   

(*stands up and turns around to demonstrate*)

 2)    Interviewer         :            Why should we hire you?

You                         :             I’m smart, driven, compassionate, possess strong work ethics, able to meet 

                                               crazy deadlines and oh.. if you don’t hire me, I may just be forced to kill 

                                               you. 

 3)      Interviewer       :               So.. why did you leave your last job?

 You                        :               (*Looks around conspicuously, turns and softly whispers*) Don’t tell 

anyone but my former boss is an alien from Planet Zirgon who’s been sent 

down to Earth to spy on us before his entire race come and invade our 

planet. I caught on to his dirty little secret and I swear to God I’ll expose 

him to the world before that time comes!

 

4)      Interviewer        :              What was the biggest challenge that you have ever faced in your career?

You                         :              I once had to convince the President of my former company that I was just 

looking for my fallen contacts when he barged into the VP’s room whilst I  

was kneeling on the floor... under the table...with my VP’s belt buckle in 

my mouth..

5)      Interviewer        :              What are the special skills you posses that will make you excel at this job?

You                         :              Umm.. its not listed in my resume but.. if you lock the door and draw the 

                                                blinds.. I can show you.

 

6)      Interviewer        :             Tell us what are your long term career aspirations?

You                         :             Career... asp..assp.. what? I’m just here to meet the hot men in your 

                                               brochures!!

 7)      Interviewer        :             What are your expectations from this position?

 You                         :             I expect to be able to save enough money to purchase an electric guitar, 

start a band, join battle of the bands, win the battle, get a record deal, 

release an album and go on a worldwide tour.

 8)      Interviewer        :             Tell us about your academic and professional qualifications?

 You                         :             Hah! I think education is just overrated! But does being a “professional 

                                                female mud-wrestler” count?

 9)      Interviewer        :              Have you ever held a leadership role in any organisation?

 You                         :              Yes. I currently spearhead a notorious criminal empire on Mafia Wars. 

 

10)   Interviewer        :               Do you have any questions?

 You                        :               Yes. Are you going to eat that? (points to half eaten sandwich on 

                                                 interviewer’s table) 

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN APPLYING FOR A JOB

Since joining my new company about six months ago, part of my responsibilities include managing the general emails that we receive via the website. (no.. im not an IT person.. do I look that nerdy tech savvy to you?) Anyways, whilst the whole purpose of doing this is to manage and answer all inquiries posted about our services, lately we have also had to entertain a lot of job applications via the same web mail (no.. I'm not in Human Resources either.. do I look so overweight and uptight people-centric to you? :P). Since I have to suffer the headache of sifting through tons of these kind of applications that was flooding my inbox, I figured, I might as well share with you some common rules on what NOT to do when applying for a job via email. This is so that you can spare me the emotional trauma by not doing any of the things below! Enjoy! :)

1. Send an email with the attachment "resumeaku.doc" as the file name
   

   Whilst we understand your need to emphasise the fact that it is in fact YOUR resume and not your grandma's, neighbour's daughter's or that hawt stranger you often bump into whilst waiting for the bus's, anybody else's, this is actually just TRYING TO HARD. In fact it could backfire and cause us to think that you may actually have something to hide.
   
   

2. Send an email with the attachment "PERFECT RESUME.doc" as the file name
   

   Don't kid yourself kid! If your resume is really that perfect, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
   
   

3. Use the email drgangstazz@yahoo.com when applying for the position of Medical Officer
   

   Indeed, we deeply understand that we all now live in a crazy cut-throat world and you may feel the need to put up this tough exterior to survive. Nevertheless, our patients may not necessarily sit well with the idea that their physician is a Doctor AND the Godfather Incarnate at the same time.
   
   

4. Use the email hunnybaby88@gmail.com or sweetiegurl_87@hotmail.com or sexybunzz@aol.com for ANY POSITION!!
   

   Do I even have to go into details on this one? :P
   
   

5. Send a cover email as follows, "A'kum, attach kat sini saya punye CV"
   
   Okay, so your mami jarum aunty sister works in the People Capital Division. So you feel that this may get her attention. So you think that being all informal and acting like you are our long lost friend who used to trip us with the see saw at the playground from primary school will get you the job. Whatever! Doesn't work kid! In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if your sister from PCD comes back home and screams at you for this! :P
   
   
   
6. Use a deep red background complete with pink flowers, tiny hearts and butterflies for your CV
   
   Yes, we appreciate the effort. Yes, we think you are extremely creative and can have a successful career as a Singaporean Beauty Pageant Queen an artiste. But as far as healthcare is concerned, you're waaaayyy ahead of your time kid!
   
   
   
7. Send an email with the following subject line " APPLICATION FOR ANY KIND OF VACANCY AT YOUR PLACE/ COMPANY "
   

   We acknowledge the fact that we now live in an extremely trying economic times where some of you will take any job at all!! But hey, we are not exactly a job recruitment agency. If you have no freaking idea of what it is that you wanna do with your life, chances are...we wouldn't too! :P
   
   

8. Send a generic and mass job application email to enquiries@pantai.com.my, marketing@tropicanamedicalcentre.com, inquiries@sdmc.com, inquiries@gimc.com.my etc...etc.. (well.. u get the picture) simultaneously
   

   Whilst we realise that you may be applying to as many jobs as possible upon graduation, we would STILL like to think that we are special and that you are dying to work for us, ONLY us and no one else! If you really do want a job, it would be in your best interest to humour our qualms and stroke our manbits ego just a little!
   
   

9. Send the same job application email eight times within three days!!!
   

   Yes, we can comprehend the urgency and direness of you landing a job ASAP in order to get five pairs of that Paris Hilton sun shades start paying off your PTPTPN loan. But no, theres nothing wrong with our IT system. Our computers and emails are working just fine. But oh..congratulations on successfully annoying and insulting us to a point where we are not going to call you at all!
   
   

10. Pose in a bright pink bathing suit in the swimming pool and use that as your CV picture
    

    You may have been inspired by Elle Woods of the Legally Blonde franchise. But unfortunately for you, the people going through your application at our organisation are not deprived old men but rather overweight and overzealous middle aged single females who may take extreme offense at your flaunting your young, vibrant and excellent figure in their wrinkly pudgy faces :P